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[milliways] Crack Bible
neenie wrote in ways_back_room
I'm not morbid, I swear. Just curious. *is also creative and poking at ficlets*

If your character died either in the present or sometime in the future and their obituary was published in the Say True, what would it say?

Written by either Zoe or Lilly: Malcolm Beauregard Reynolds passed away this morning on his family land on Shadow at the age of 74, from complications of pneumonia. "He had been ill for several weeks, but he left in his sleep," his wife Inara explained. "He has had a good life and was a good man to all who knew him well."

Mal is survived by his wife Inara and son David, as well as many godchildren and friends. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to a fund kept by the bar in David's name.

Mal Reynolds died yesterday at the age of thirty-seven in his home 'verse from shots fired mid-robbery as he attempted to flee the scene. Reports from his crew state that he was wounded on a hovercraft heading back for his ship, where he later died due to loss of blood.

Mal is survived by his wife Inara, his crew, and his mother Sallie.

Serenity is now heading back to Shadow for funeral arrangements; friends are invited, please see Security for assistance in opening the Bar Door.

No, no, this is not me inventing things for millicanon. I swear upon my little plastic rocket it is not. At least for Mal. *shrug*

Alternatively -- So sleepy. *yawns, puts on Colbert audiobook*

Sallie Reynolds passed away at the age of 65, cause of death unknown. Jack Twist arrived in Milliways to locate medical assistance to resuscitate her, but the attempts were unsuccessful.

"She just...died," Jack commented, in shock. "I never knew if she were ill."

According to Sallie's wishes, no autopsy will be performed and burial will take place on her property Sunday afternoon. Friends are invited; please see Jack Twist for attendance or coordination with Mal Reynolds.

Sallie would totally kick the bucket and not tell anyone she was planning on doing so. >_>;

Melaka Fray died yesterday as a result of a short circuit in a security system of a museum she was breaking into. Demonic interference is not suspected.

She is survived on her homeworld by a sister, and in Milliways by all sorts of ne'er do wells.

A funeral party will be held in 132 this friday night, and all are invited. Dress in bright colours and bring a bottle. According to the wishes of the deceased, all guests will be expected to depart with a rubber duck.

Invitations to the Welcome Back to Milliways party to be announced when she returns.

That last one was totally Mike.

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I don't want to work, Steph!

I realise no one does, but I'm new to this paid work milarkey amd I think it sucks.

I'm in my seventh week of my paid work milarkey.

It still sucks.

At least there's a paycheck?

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:D! You realize this is your fault anyway, right? *eyes your question meme answers and 'She tried.'*

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Re: Sarah Jane Smith-Bond

I like that she'd write her own.

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Dr. Raymond Stantz, of indeterminate age, was eaten yesterday by something paradimensional whose physically manifested form had more eyes than hands and more tentacles than eyes. Preliminary evidence suggests that while its true name is unpronounceable by mortal tongues, it can be found in the Spates Catalog under the name of 'Murray'.

He is survived on Gallifrey by his wife Romana, the Lady President of Gallifrey, and two genetically engineered children. He is survived on Earth by his daughter Ecto and his nephews, Alex and Joey Haff.

Funeral arrangements will be made just as soon as somebody figures out how to summon up Murray, bind him to one plane of existence, and make him cough up a couple of bones.

According to the emergency envelope left in Ray's room at Milliways for just such an occasion, "See? I told you I wasn't a god."

I shouldn't cackle that loud at work, really.

We regret to announce that the attempted rescue of Signorina Bruni was unsuccessful, and that lady was yesterday hanged by the church for heresy.

Her brother Giovanni extends his thanks to everyone involved in the attempt, and has asked simply that those who wish to observe remembrance for her do so how they see fit.

There will be no memorial on her home world.

This is too sad, Steph.

Re: Francesca Bruni

I'm sorry!

If it helps, that was the PC version of the reality one for Mal.

I have two dead pups (well, one dead in the Bar, and one dead in canon). Am I allowed to write their obits, or do I have to stick with the living ones?

Go for whichever you're interested in!


To all patrons of this fyne establsh bar,

You are CORDIALLY INVITED to the Going Awaye party of Gytha 'Nanny' Ogg, who will be passing on to the Great Beyonde thys Monday, 13th Grune, in the bar area.

8pm. to the early houres. The guest of honour will be departing at 10.03 presicely.

Dancing, refreshmentes and light entertainment wille be provided.

Be there or be a rectangulare thynge.


You wish you were a witch, too.

...Nanny Ogg. Oh, <3.

Simon Skinner, one of the key participants in the murder scandal that rocked the village of Sandford five years ago, died yesterday at the age of sixty-two from complications from lung cancer. Skinner had been serving a life sentence after he was convicted on multiple counts of murder. He has no surviving relatives.

*thumbs up* Canonical obits are the bestest. *eyes below*

Re: James Bond's Obit?


I can't do this for a number of mine without it either being too spoilery or people coming after me with blunt objects, so have this one. :)

Captain Jack Sparrow died yesterday (for the third time so far, as best our sources can confirm) in an unfortunate incident involving a coconut, the apparent confusion of a barrel of gunpowder for one of rum, and a monkey. No body has been recovered.

A wake will be held in the main bar beginning at sunset. Drinks are on the house. In the event of any mysterious flashes of green, drinks will be on Captain Sparrow's tab.

I don't know what you're talking about. *hides bat*

You have your choice of Merriman's 'official' obituary that likely appeared in the Times and other proper, sensible newspapers, or the 'unofficial' obituary written by an anonymous Oxford student that implies that Merriman was eaten by a yeti.

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Hawkgirl, that being Kendra Saunders:

Hath-Set: I'll be back, you son of a bitch.

Edited at 2007-11-28 10:52 pm (UTC)

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... Oh man.

My personal theory is that Puck will not so much die as fade out of existence. That or fall victim to autoerotic asphyxiation.

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...Well, it depends!

Captain Jack Harkness passed away peacefully last night, after being exterminated five times by increasingly annoyed Daleks, then finally subjected to lethal injection, which proved more lasting.

We think he's taking the opportunity to catch up on his sleep.

Get up, Jack, you're not fooling anyone.

Miss Shelley Endeavor Winters, aged twenty-seven died tragically four days ago, in a freak submarine collision accident. It is understood that the second vehicle veered off course after being confused by a nearby Man O'War underwater ballet recital. Neither noticed the other's proximity due to one being struck by lightning when last surfacing, and the other employing a deaf Captain. Miss Winters was, remarkably, the only casualty.

Friends are reported to be both sad and vexed.

She is survived by both parents and younger sister, who were all unavailable for comment.

The funeral was held yesterday, although held up briefly by the last-minute coffin substitution by a Mister Timothy Jones who arrived from Wales just in time to insist that she be buried in one of his own design. Inquirers as to why a coffin required a battery-operated night light, topmost window and emergency telegraph facility were answered 'just in case.'

Due to the death of Erwin "Whistler" Emory (please see "E" section of obituaries) Suzi Darley will be voiding all her remaining selyn as soon as the funeral arrangements are made. The Bar has packets containing instructions for anyone wishing to observe the Householding tradition of the Longest Walk in memory of either Suzi or Whistler. Suzi will be around and taking visitors until such time as she needs to go home to be with Whistler for the last time.

Okay, that one made me sniffle.

Nita Callahan, aged twenty, was reported missing by her father on Wednesday. Despite valiant efforts on the part of a team from Milliways, a rescue was unsuccessful, and her partner, Kit Rodriguez, confirmed Saturday night her death in the service of Life.

According to several reliable sources, Nita is very happy where she is now, and extends her gratitude to her friends for their attempts. A memorial service will be held at a time to be announced.


Tom (last name unknown) died last night in the Milliways Infirmary after being bitten by a zombie in his own world.

He is currently residing in the Milliways cells until such time as he can be cured or safely neutralized.

Flowers are welcome. Please leave all shotguns at the door.

I want the first one, dammit!!

I will have to think on Inara's. My first evil thought is some crazy form of space syphilis from her years of hoing.

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Transcribed directly from the Ankh-Morpork Times:

Lord Havelock Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, (Provost of Assassins, DMAP, DM, DGS, MA, MPE, MASc, MIDD, BScI, DiPE); passed away last night after just under twenty years in office. A state funeral will be held next week, hopefully after the current controversy over who will succeed as Patrician. In the meantime, the city's running has been placed in the hands of his Grace Sir Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh and Commander of the City Watch. His official statement reads, "Get that bl**dy notebook away from me, can't you see I have enough on my plate, you idiots."

As far as
The Times can ascertain, the late Patrician had no surviving relatives, other than a rumoured aunt in Genua, who has not been located yet. His former secretary, a Mr. Drumknott, was supposed to have insisted that he was on occasion visited by relations of some kind, but as he was unable to give names or a description other than, "Stole my pencil! The wings! Shh, or they'll come here!" he has by and large been ignored, apart from here at The Times.

The official report on his death is somewhat confused. An official statement reported that he 'died in his sleep,' but a scared maid told
The Times this morning that she had heard screaming, and the night before seen his Lordship smile, a disturbing enough idea in itself.

Investigation continues in this matter, we are told.

Edited at 2007-11-28 07:43 pm (UTC)


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